How to buy underwear at Target, in 7 steps

Here is how to buy underwear from Target in three hours or more, with only seven simple steps.

  1. Decide you need underwear. One simple errand which shouldn’t take that long. Kids might like doing something different this morning anyway. They are probably bored of playing with toys, right? That’s only fun for so long.
  2. Debate if you can use the baby gift card you just found in a drawer on something for yourself. You’ve definitely spent that amount on diapers several hundred times over since the baby shower two years ago. And let’s be honest, the babies are the reason none of your clothes fit anyway.
  3. Drive to Target. I mean, wait, no, not yet. Baby is rubbing his eyes. Okay, we will do a nap first. Put on an episode of Thomas the Train for the toddler. Put on a different episode of Thomas the Train because the first was scary. Get baby down for nap. Sit on the couch beside your toddler while baby sleeps and look for coupons for underwear on your phone. Wonder if there will ever be a point where you don’t need to look at coupons for underwear.
  4. Get ready to drive to Target, for real this time. Pack the contingencies – water, snacks hidden in secret compartments in the diaper bag so they won’t find them until you decide bribery is the only way you will get them in their car seats. Look for matching socks. Look for any socks, matching or not. Put on coats. Calmly ask, “would you please come here so I can get your boots on?” Try to think of threats you can use if he doesn’t come here by the count of three, since “or we won’t go to Target” is really more of a reward. Result to bribing with Grandma’s cookies before you even leave the house. Find hats. Find keys. Put shoes back on children who have learned to take them off. Open doors, start the car, chase one child down the sidewalk. Return to car. Buckle in. Scrape off snow. Drive off.
  5. While driving, remember the days when buying underwear would not be considered the thing you did that day. It would just be a thing you did that day, on your way to doing other more interesting things. Debate buying your underwear on Amazon from now on.
  6. Arrive at Target. Unbuckle one child. Unbuckle second child while attempting to keep first child by your side. Enter store. Wonder why shopping carts don’t have seats for two children. Meticulously plan route around store to avoid the toy aisle. Promptly walk past child holding a toy. Spend the next thirty minutes saying, “no, we did not come here for toys.” Take out your phone. Record yourself saying, “Please do not touch that. No, we do not need that. Please do not put things in the cart without asking me. Please stop asking me.” Play it on repeat. Abandon one child in cart while chasing another child down the aisle. Buy underwear.
  7. Begin to leave Target. Return items your children accidentally stole to customer service. On your way out, notice the cart with two seats in it. Attempt to carry bags and children over the snow and ice. Chase children down in parking lot. Attempt your best loving but firm voice while saying, “you MAY NOT run off and get yourself killed.” Drive home. Attempt to console crying hungry children. Vow never to return.
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